Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Quit uploading your baby’s photos to Facebook.

Ahh Facebook. Sadly, plays a big part in my weekday routine. Get to work, grab a coffee, check to see if anyone’s made contact with me through Facebook. Nope no one. Read through the lame status updates, check out my tagged drunk friends, check out my friend’s baby having a bath. HOLD ON ONE SECOND! WTF? I don’t need no naked baby with my morning coffee.
Now that most of my friends are late 20s, early 30s they’ve decided to play grown up and are having babies. I’m cool with this, babies are alright, just another option to a cat or dog. But the photos! Please god stop with all the photos! Not only are we being subjected to a lot of baby photos from one friend who inevitably looks like the baby from another friend, sometimes we have to follow that baby from the ultrasound pic. Parents stop it, no one cares about your baby that much other than you.

I have a new rule to propose. You can upload one photo of your baby for every year they’re alive. So it goes like this, when your baby is born it is really only 9 months old, unless you smoked and drank through you pregnancy, then you’ve probably got one of those half baked babies.
So no photos of new born babies. New born babies are wrinkled and have dented heads. They also look like every other new born baby. If we’ve seen one new born baby we have see them all. And they’ve not lived a year yet, so you have to wait 3 months to upload a photo of them. By this time the wrinkles should have smoothed, they should have developed some individuality, their heads should look less squished and there may be one or two people suspicious the baby doesn’t exist unless you upload a photo at this point. After this point no new photos until they’re 1 year and 3 months and so on until they reach the age of 16. After this they are free to upload their own naked photos if they so wish. If you live in Essex and have a daughter they’ve probably been uploading their own naked pics for the last 4 years so no need to worry about them after the age of 12.

And it’s one thing for your friends to see all your baby photos but your facebook “friends”. Who are these people? How well do you know ALL these people? I’ve done some research and found that there’s probably around 100,000 sex offenders on Facebook. And let’s face it, for every person who acts it, there’s another 20 who think it so it’s safe to assume there’s 2 million pervs on facebook. This would mean that 1.33% of the people on Facebook are a bit, you know, not right in the head. And I find on average, my friends have between 200 and 350 of their own “friends”. So if we take the average of these friends it’s safe to assume that everyone is “friends” with 3.7 perverts, paedophiles, sickos, call them what you will.

Do you really want 3.7 potential sex offenders seeing, downloading, then well I hate to think, of your baby having a bath?

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