Why would anyone buy tickets to Michael Jackson’s latest tour?

Recently I have been bombarded with facebook updates of people who have managed to buy Jacko tickets and expressed their excitement:
“Sam is so excited about seeing Michael Jackson in July”
“Karen can’t wait to see Michael Jackson wooo!”

These people are delusional idiots. Unless they have tickets to his first show they ain’t seeing nothin’ because he will not be able to perform beyond the first 20 minutes of the first show. This is not Prince, this guy does not still have it, this guy is a frail whack job. He can barely walk, ha has not sung live for over a decade! What makes anyone believe he can pull off 50 stadium shows? I bet he mimes from his wheelchair. I just hope his nose doesn’t fall off during one of the shows. That would be really traumatic for a diehard Jackson fan. Funny to me though :)

Mark Dolan is a twat who sucks at hosting documentaries

If you live outside the UK, or if you live in the UK and have a life greater than mine, you probably have no idea who Mark Dolan is. For the purpose of this blog, all you need to know is he’s a fuckin’ twat.

He hosts (badly) these documentaries about him and world record breaking people. For example, ‘World’s Strongest Man and Me’, ‘World’s Fattest Pet and Me’, ‘World’s Shortest Man and Me’ and he SUCKS ASS! The guy started out as a comedian, so he tries to do serious with humour. But he just comes across as stupid, insincere and a twat.

What I hate most about this guy in these documentaries is that he’s always asking to touch, or pick up his subjects. For instance he lifted the world’s tiniest man up to his shoulders and says “this is what it looks like from my point of view”. Firstly Mark you twat, this tiny man doesn’t understand English, secondly he is a man, why are you talking to him like he’s 4 years old? Thirdly put him down before you drop him. Mark likes to drop things. In the heaviest pet episode he picks up a giant rabbit and loses grip. Thankfully for the owner he gained his grip by wedging the rabbit between himself and the bench. Then, in the same episode he asks an owner of a really fat dog whether he can try to lift the dog. Why would anyone want to live a fat dog? Did he not learn his lesson with the rabbit? It looked like he was trying to mount the poor fat dog.

Finally, when he meets one of the world’s strong men he asks to touch his abs. Weirdo. Mark, stop touching everything! It’s really creepy. I’m not even going to touch the ‘World’s Biggest Boobs and Me’ episode. Twat.

Does Craig the Lionman get his kicks from inserting his fingers into big cats' mouths?

Was watching an episode of the Lionman recently. In this episode he visits South Africa to kidnap Gandor the white lion cub. When he first meets this cub he inserts his fingers into his mouth and says “You like that don’t you”.

My partner and I looked at each other with the look of “Did that just happen? Has this guy got some sick, perverted love for these lions?”

I can’t watch anymore. Every time I watch he’s always shoving his fingers into the cats mouths and I can’t help but think he’s getting some form of satisfaction out of it. You know, like apple pie to adolescent males.

Quit uploading your baby’s photos to Facebook.

Ahh Facebook. Sadly, plays a big part in my weekday routine. Get to work, grab a coffee, check to see if anyone’s made contact with me through Facebook. Nope no one. Read through the lame status updates, check out my tagged drunk friends, check out my friend’s baby having a bath. HOLD ON ONE SECOND! WTF? I don’t need no naked baby with my morning coffee.
Now that most of my friends are late 20s, early 30s they’ve decided to play grown up and are having babies. I’m cool with this, babies are alright, just another option to a cat or dog. But the photos! Please god stop with all the photos! Not only are we being subjected to a lot of baby photos from one friend who inevitably looks like the baby from another friend, sometimes we have to follow that baby from the ultrasound pic. Parents stop it, no one cares about your baby that much other than you.

I have a new rule to propose. You can upload one photo of your baby for every year they’re alive. So it goes like this, when your baby is born it is really only 9 months old, unless you smoked and drank through you pregnancy, then you’ve probably got one of those half baked babies.
So no photos of new born babies. New born babies are wrinkled and have dented heads. They also look like every other new born baby. If we’ve seen one new born baby we have see them all. And they’ve not lived a year yet, so you have to wait 3 months to upload a photo of them. By this time the wrinkles should have smoothed, they should have developed some individuality, their heads should look less squished and there may be one or two people suspicious the baby doesn’t exist unless you upload a photo at this point. After this point no new photos until they’re 1 year and 3 months and so on until they reach the age of 16. After this they are free to upload their own naked photos if they so wish. If you live in Essex and have a daughter they’ve probably been uploading their own naked pics for the last 4 years so no need to worry about them after the age of 12.

And it’s one thing for your friends to see all your baby photos but your facebook “friends”. Who are these people? How well do you know ALL these people? I’ve done some research and found that there’s probably around 100,000 sex offenders on Facebook. And let’s face it, for every person who acts it, there’s another 20 who think it so it’s safe to assume there’s 2 million pervs on facebook. This would mean that 1.33% of the people on Facebook are a bit, you know, not right in the head. And I find on average, my friends have between 200 and 350 of their own “friends”. So if we take the average of these friends it’s safe to assume that everyone is “friends” with 3.7 perverts, paedophiles, sickos, call them what you will.

Do you really want 3.7 potential sex offenders seeing, downloading, then well I hate to think, of your baby having a bath?

I don’t drive, but I get road rage.

Every morning and every evening I walk to, then from work. And every morning and every evening I experience some sort of road rage ranging from about 4 (a person oblivious to the fact they’re blocking the walkway) to a 10 (some arsewipe walking into me).
If you’re one of the idiots I pass in my day to day life then here are some tips to make you less of an infuriating moron. Take note.

Cyclists – You are not above the law. If a light is red and a pedestrian has right of way stop at the red light! All you cyclists injured in road accidents deserve it. And stop wearing those ridiculous looking Darth Vader masks. They don’t actually prevent you from inhaling the smaller pollution particles which are actually the ones harmful to you. And while you’re cutting down on your bicycle gear stop wearing helmets. Head injuries can kill and I’d prefer less of you pricks on the road.

People who like to walk and text – All you people who think you can walk and text at the same time, news flash YOU CAN’T! If you’re so important you can’t wait until your destination to reply to a text then do one of two things. Either phone the person or pull your stupid arse over out of everyone’s way and stop walking blindly. The amount of dickwads I see swerving over the footpath and texting and bumping into people. The next time I see one of you I’m grabbing your phone and throwing it at the nearest cyclist.

Taxi drivers – You fat old grumpy bastards give way once in a while.

Smokers – you inconsiderate cancer stick puffers. When you’re walking and smoking the person behind you has no choice but to inhale your disgusting second hand smoke. Especially when you’re walking slowly and your fat arse is so big they can’t overtake. If you’re too inconsiderate and too addicted to not smoke on busy walkways I hope you develop lung cancer and never see your kids grow up.

Slow walkers – DO NOT walk in a line with your slow walking friends. This means people can’t get past you and forces them to push through you. This could mean contact and the spread of your slow walking germs. Why the hell do you people walk so slow anyway? Don’t you have anywhere to be? I’ve always got somewhere to be, otherwise why would I be out on the street?

What the hell is up with Coleen (McLoughlin) Rooney's crows feet?!

So I was watching the painfully pathetic show "Real Women" the other week. You know, Coleen Rooney's show where she finds "real women" and gets them a modelling job. Amazingly, she wants us to believe that real women can compete with models when it comes to a casting. Ha, she makes me laugh! Real women can only compete with models when they are on a show called "Real Women" and the brands know they'll look good hiring a "real woman".

Anyway the show is not what I wish to talk about, what I wish to talk about is her god damn crows feet! I couldn't help but be fascinated. She has the eyes of a 40 year old. The woman is only 22!

Not only is she only 22, she is dirt rich! How can someone so young, and so loaded with cash look so damn rubbish for their age? Why are TV networks subjecting me to rich ugly people on television? Why hasn't she done something about those wrinkly eyes? Wait a minute, why the hell are her eyes so wrinkled? She's 22 for chrissakes! I don't understand. Even if she had been lying in a sun bed every morning and every evening without protective eye gear on for the last 10 years she still wouldn't have the eyes of a 40 year old. Could it be...that she's not really 22? Could it be that she's 42? Hmm....